DIARY OF AN AJBUTTER KID 3

I know you’ve missed me, well I’ve been a bit sick so I haven’t really had time😩. Mom suggested I visited the hospital but I’m a man and I can take care of myself…. Okay, truth is, the hospital brings bad memories. Memories of when I got divorced amongst others… oh I never told you I was married? Well yes, I was married to the love of my dreams *****name withheld for security reasons*****😊.

So how I got divorced was some time ago when I was sick, everyone requested I eat so I could get better, I wasn’t having appetite so mum got me some oranges. After having the oranges,  I got a bit hungry so mum made me eat baked cassava grains and palmnut soup😥.. It is my ancestral food though; I think grand pa would fall sick and probably die if he goes a day without having palmnut soup, which he calls banga soup. Later that evening I was set to go the hospital for treatment, I noticed an upset in my intestines but I was sure it was going to relief me. I got to the hospital with dad and I was ushered to a room alone with the love of my dreams Nurse Veronica😃. This is what I have always dreamt of I thought to myself, she romantically tapped my shoulder and said it won’t be painful, I smiled and said to myself, love is worth any pain😏. She told me to turnaround and face the window, she probably didn’t want me to see her get undressed😉…. I totally understand. In less than a minute, I felt her soothing hands around my waist, that was the closest I had been to paradise😵. She moved her hands gently round my waist from behind and unbuttoned my trouser. What a romantic lady. She pulled my trouser down a bit and I felt a cold wet stuff on my butt. Could she be that she’s kissing my butt😲. I was still trying to understand the romance when I felt a sharp piercing on my butt …I screamed and just at that moment, my stomach upset got a breakthrough my butt. Nurse Veronica wasn’t pleased with me I could see it on her face as she went to the restroom to wash herself up and change her lab coat. It wasn’t intentional like twit does😩. It was either my ancestral delicacy which I had earlier or the oranges. I don’t think it was the soup though cause mom later said she sent mama Tunde to get the oranges for me that day. I am sure mama Tunde poisoned my orange😒…. And From that day, I drew the battle line against mama Tunde😠. Nurse Veronica came out and right there she divorced me. Cause ever since that day she stopped calling me her husband. Worst is, she started calling Hilbert her husband😩. I was emotionally and mentally unstable for a long time. How can she break up with me just because of a little mistake and she went ahead to marry my younger brother. I’m still looking for ways to break up their union someday😈. Maybe when I’m old enough, I’ll take the matter to court.

Talking about being old,

So I’ll be 16 in no time My birthday is rolling in real fast and I'm already mailing old friends and relatives urging them to save up enough cash to make my birthday a memorable one. And I still don’t have a girlfriend but there is this new girl in my class, I think I have a crush on. Her name is Mirabel. She's practically the most beautiful girl in the whole school. I made up my mind to express my feelings to her yesterday but dad had us eat garlic-spiced rice for breakfast and that kept me mute throughout the day😒. I bet you know what garlic can do to one's breath.

So today I made up my mind that I'll let Mirabel know that I am ready to be her Romeo😎. Even though I was a bit intimidated and rough handled this morning. What happened this morning was, mom had travelled for some career training in Switzerland and dad hasn’t renewed his car papers still. And I won’t want us to get harassed by the police like we experienced yesterday. Yesterday dad was going to drop I and Hilbert off at school when he was stopped by the police😓. Apparently, dad didn’t know his license had expired…… ***my dad can be so unserious with life😑***. Mom wouldn’t make such a mistake. Dad referred to the officer as his friend while trying to explain to him. And I was trying to eavesdrop on their conversation until I heard the police officer tell dad, “I’m not your friend my friend”, “you better keep quiet and start talking”. I was as confused as ever😕.  Trying to understand their conversation was more difficult than a bird trying to ride a bicycle😔. I wouldn’t want to go through such today so I decided to take public transportation to school. I walked out of our estate gate and boarded a tricycle, popularly called keke. I was highly intimidated when two fat women came to seat at both sides, leaving me squeezing at the middle😒. I got down at my school gate looking like a debtor that had been dragged to pay up his debt😢. But I was determined that nothing was going to stop me from sweeping Mirabel off her feet today🙏.

       It was break time and everyone was busy doing a thing or two. Mirabel was standing out along the walkway, her arms folded stylishly as she leaned her curvy body against the balcony rails and watched the junior students play volleyball. gosh, I ogled at her beauty😋. her hair was Dark and well Weaved like a princess awaiting her suitor, her uniform was neatly ironed and perfumed. One could smell her scent from a mile away.  she smiled while she watched the boys play. 

I thought to myself, 'this is the best girl in the world'.

I couldn't help smiling sheepishly like an overfed chicken😀. 

time to strike!  But to my greatest surprise, Mirabel started walking towards me. This must be God at work I thought. She walked majestically and when she approached I could feel the scent of her perfume.  I quickly adjusted my Collar and neatly arranged my sleeves. I took a deep breath to be sure I was free from the garlic stench😎. 

I stood up from my seat and sat on my desk as a bad guy (irrespective of the fact that a law was passed in assembly hall last week that bans students from sitting or standing on desks). I was shivering in me but I didn't let that affect my Confidence. I am the most handsome boy in this school😊. I said to myself. Or maybe the second most handsome or the fifth…..or…you know what, I don’t care the number I fall in the handsome boys ranking, all I know is, this is my time

Finally she got close to me; I was still acting like I didn’t know she was standing next to me. Then she tapped me gently and acted all calm and composed. I turned and she said to me in her calm sweet voice “I think you should visit the restroom to wash away the dried soap stain in your ear”😞😞😭

At that point I was on mute and all I could see was the last seed of bathing soap I used to take my bath that morning. And at that moment, I swore I was never gonna use that brand of soap again. All this wouldn’t happen if mom was around but my stingy dad doesn’t care if we are running out of stock in the house😣.

Well, as a man that I am, I must get myself together and stick to my purpose of the day😏. So I timidly said “I left the soap there cause it is part of a chemistry practical I am working on”. To avoid further deliberations on that soap issue, I quickly added…”you're Mirabel the new girl right?  Welcome to The Great Pillars College. I muttered”😎. 

She turned and smiled, thanks sir! She said.  Although, I was a bit not comfortable with the ‘sir’ title she gave me. Then she went further to say, 'you must be Mayowa Lakatos right? The boy I met at the bus stop yesterday?

Like seriously😲?  I was like WTF😱? At this point, my confidence melted like ice in Lagos traffic. Mayowa Lakatos is the ugliest boy in the whole school. A day hardly goes by without hearing news of Mayowa fighting with a senior student.  Mayowa spends one third of his entire school period in detention. How could she have mistaken me for him!  Howells my friend once told me I looked like Mayowa Lakatos. Now I'm beginning to reconsider if he was actually joking about that or if he meant what he was saying😐 

How could she have mistaken me for Mayowa. I still couldn't get that off my head. Well, I now tried explaining to her that I was Neptune Berkeley and all that. But she was already gone.  

I checked my wristwatch and damn! Break time was over. Just then I heard the sound of my English teacher saying,”hey you that boy sitting on the desk, go on your knees now”... I peeped outside the class and I saw that Mr. Salami the English teacher was already making his way into my class. Salami does not condone negligence from students. He practically has his long cane attached to his hands; I have never seen him without a cane in his hands. so it was obvious i was in for some deep poo😶😶. 

I received 10 strokes of cane that faithful day in front of everyone in class including the almighty Mirabel... Everyone laughed uncontrollably at me.

I even heard Mirabel say something to her friends like 'this Mayowa boy always gets himself into trouble' and they all laughed wickedly😢.  

For goodness sake I am Not Mayowa Lakatos  .... I am Neptune Berkeley😠.

       After receiving 10 strokes of Mr. Salami's whip, I acted all cool and easy like I felt no pain😏...  Just to impress the ladies... But I had to take a hot water seat bath when I got home to prevent my lip sorry butt from swelling.