DIARY OF AN AJEBUTTER KID 2

Well, today is Saturday, the beginning of yet another weekend, few years ago, I usually look forward to weekends but of recent weekends haven’t really been nice to me😞.  I remember one Saturday, Mom, Hilbert and i went for a party; Brian had jamb lectures to attend so he couldn’t come along. Hilbert fell asleep at the back seat of mom’s car. If you know my younger brother, you will know he sleeps more than a blind man😉. Mom had to carry his sleepy body to the party hall and with all the noise, Hilbert didn’t move an inch. Even a scarecrow has more stimulus than Hilbert when he’s asleep😶. The party was hosted by mom’s colleague who had a very pretty daughter named Bimpe. As a ladies’ man, I was sitting right next to her😏. Refreshment was served and I was busy having the time of my life smiling and gisting with Bimpe. Not until mom walked up to me and said“ it is when you see food that you’ll start smiling like a basket, better don’t finish that food, remain some for your brother”. That was the last time I ever went to a party with mom.

So On weekends like these, I get to do house chores and do my laundry, I’m a very neat guy you know, I do my laundry every Saturday but this Saturday would be an exception cause I already washed on Thursday afternoon after school. I had to wash cause I came back from school and found that my puppy –Twit- had pooped on my bed spread. That animal has been on a pooing spree of late, it sure needs a puppy diaper or something, at first it pooped on Brian’s laptop, it was funny to me until it did it on my bedspread, dad laughed at the both of us. But today, the dog will be visiting the vet cause dad woke up this morning and found that Twit pooped on his favorite sofa in the sitting room. Dad was so furious. One thing about dad is he never takes things seriously until he’s affected. I remember when mom told him that the kitchen fridge was beginning to shock, dad never took it serious until one day, when he wanted to grab a bottle of cold water after his evening workout, all we heard from the kitchen was dad screaming Ye!!!! We rushed in and we saw dad looking like someone that just returned from Mecca, cause his beards seemed to have added more length. The next day the electrician was around.

So….. .It’s almost evening mom hasn’t returned from the market yet. Brian and Hilbert are on their way to the saloon, I should have gone with them but my hair hasn’t recovered from the last time I was at the saloon. It was a sunny Saturday, I went to my barbers shop and I told him to barb for me the Jason Derulo’s hairstyle he posted on the door of his shop. In no time, I was seated and ready to get the best hairstyle anyone has ever seen in our neighborhood. I was enjoying the haircut and was so loving the warmth feeling of the clipper moving round my head. My eyes were close and I was lost in the cool westlife songs playing from his DVD. In no time, he was through. When I opened my eyes, I found my head looking as plain as the newly constructed lekki-ikoyi link bridge. I was so angry at my barber. He later explained that he made a mistake and he didn’t want me to feel bad so he gave me the hairstyle that will suit me better. So my head looking like a locally grown apple was the best he could come up with. It was then I knew that Nigerian barbers post styles they can’t cut. Thank God school was on holiday then so Brian’s cap became an attachment to my head for more than a week.

So today I’ll be all alone playing the video game uncle Sammy got for us last Christmas. Uncle Sammy is my very rich uncle, he owns one of the best sharwama eatery in Lagos state, somewhere at surulere...(And I’m not bragging).. One thing I know about uncle Sammy is, you can never pick an offense against him for too long, he doesn’t even need to apologize before you forgive and forget. I remember one time Uncle Sammy offended Hilbert and I, so when we heard he was coming over, we decided to act neutral around him. No uncle this, uncle that. So he came and we greeted him formally, he then asked the normal question “how are you boys? “And we said “fine”, the plan was going well until he offered me the sharwama he brought from his eatery; I bluntly said I didn’t have appetite with my hands folded. He turned to Hilbert and before he asked the question, Hilbert had grabbed the nylon, I was like WTF!!!!! That day I knew how Jesus felt when Judas betrayed him. My mom came in and saw only Hilbert munching on the shawarma like a hungry pig and she asked “Neptune won’t you join him? “Uncle Sammy quickly answered, he said he didn’t have appetite, I felt like an outcast that day. They didn’t even beg me to grab a bite. I’m definitely not going to forgive them. So I decided I was going to pack out of the house (yes, I was that angry). I decided to have lunch before packing out but after lunch, I realized I needed to have a last supper too.( don’t look at me that way, it is hard for me to just let go of my Jesus identity). After supper that evening, it was already late so I decided I will carry out my plan the next morning. It’s been two years already and I’m still in my father’s house…… To forgive and forget is actually easier than I thought.

Yawnsss!!!!

 Am I supposed to update my diary on Sundays too?? Well, I’m no longer Jesus’ birthday mate so it’s high time I quit being too holy…. So it Sunday and I woke up before everyone. Dad is actually the one in charge of waking us up on Sundays. To tell the truth, Dad is kind of annoying, he wakes us up by taking the blankets off our body leaving us shivering in the Freezing cold and eventually we'll all jump out of bed like frozen rats  . He thinks it's cool but to me it's just not cool at all...

Well, thank God I woke up just before dad arrived. I was already done dressing up when dad finally came in to wake Brian and Hilbert up.

I kind of feel for Hilbert, he has been exposed to so much ills in life. Yea, reasons being that, we have a bunk kind of bed in our room and Brian selfishly took the up bed all for himself, well that was what mom wanted cos she believed I was too young then to climb up and down the bunk every day, yeah. Hilbert was still a kid then. But presently, there is no mattress on the down bunk anymore. So Hilbert and I sleep on a bigger bed, the bed is just beneath Brian's bed. And unfortunately Brian is a pathetic droller. 

He drools like a poisoned frog when he's asleep.  Well, I actually used to be the one At the receiving end of Brian's drool but I switched sleeping position with Hilbert ever since I noticed the direction Brian faces whenever he activates his drooling mood. 

Although I never told Hibbert why I opined for a change in position.

Just last week I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw Hilbert’s face was completely soaked with Brain's saliva.  Obviously Brian drooled profusely that night. The most disgusting part was that Hilbert was fast asleep and he never knew what was happening to his face, he probably thought he was being breast fed by mom or something cos he kept licking his mouth and smiling like a duck…...........yuck! 

Well, dad came and woke Brian and Hilbert up and we all got dressed for church. In no time we took off, one thing I dislike about our church aside their early morning services is that kids below the age of 15 were forced to stay in the children Sunday school while the adults occupied the main church. Obviously Hilbert still has a lot of Sunday schooling to do cos he's barely 6.

Well, I am almost 16 but sadly I am still being restricted from going inside the main church all because of the unfortunate event that befell me last year. Last year during the children church leavers send-off ceremony, I was glad I was leaving the children church for good, that day was so special to me that I wore my Sunday best to church.  When we got to the main church hall, we, the grandaunts’ were called up on stage and the rest of the children cheered and gave us a befitting standing ovation... I felt really proud  , some set of children sang poems of how they were gonna miss our presence and all that stuff,,, but who cares?  definitely not me.... I was so sure I wasn’t gonna miss anyone  … I was still basking in the euphoria of attending service in the big church and probably sitting beside the gorgeous Christabel who was my crush then  , she was Brian’s classmate and I started tripping when she came top of her class few years ago and on her valedictory speech, she mentioned she was going to pursue a career in engineering (how i love intelligent ladies). I couldn’t get the soothing thoughts off my head when Mrs. Anyawu the children teacher called out my name in the crowd...... "Neptune Berkeley!" she alarmed, because of your beautiful dress and your outstanding voice, we've chosen you to present either a memory verse or a special number on behalf of the grandaunts,  i was like WTF?? What has my dressing got to do with this? It was obvious the devil prepared for me that day. Oh yes, the devil (mama Tunde) was seated at one corner of the congregation, smiling like a horse that has catarrh   . I never had a bible so definitely the memory verse was completely out of it, now I was stuck with singing a special number for the crowd….. 

I stood for complete 2minutes without knowing any reasonable song to sing. The once noisy hall turned quiet and all eyes were fixed on me. I began to shiver and sweat in my pants. Finally lyrics came to my head and started singing “oh Lord come down and manifest your power, oh Lord come down and manifest your power”. The choir was supposed to take it up from there I thought but they were all staring at me, waiting for me to continue. I couldn’t remember what comes next in the chorus of the song I was singing, suddenly I felt a beat playing in my head.. little did i know it was the devil doing what he or rather she does best  ....... all of a sudden I opened my mouth wide and I never knew when i started singing the popular MALONOGEDEDEby Timaya right there at the altar ………..   

Some part of the crowd busted into laughter(obviously the youths) and as it was, my big day of fame became my big day of shame  . My graduation gown was stripped off me. And I was ordered to stay back in the children church for an extra solid year...  that was how I broke the record as the oldest kid in children church ...... a record no one has broken before....... I doubt no one will ever break it. But with the way Hilbert is going with his Wimpy attitude, he may end up doing even worse than I've done.