DIARY OF AN AJEBUTTER KID

I saw this questionnaire hanging at the front page of my diary, so I decided to fill it before I start putting down my tales of life.  

NAME:

 Neptune Berkeley (not on Face book, so don't bother. And no, I’m not from Neptune😏.)

AGE: 

More than 55 years younger than the president of Nigeria😎

OCCUPATION:

Jambite 

DATE OF BIRTH:

Actually I have two date of birth; I don’t know which to put down. It is one of the complications of my life and you will understand why in the course of this tale.

TRIBE:

I hate this question; I feel it is the reason why Africans were referred to as monkeys because they give too much preference to tribe. And it is only monkeys that live in tribe according to my primary school English text book “tribe of monkeys”.

NATIONALITY:

Nigerian American (Don’t question me any further on this please😏😏)

ARE YOU SINGLE, DATING OR MARRIED: 

I want to MARRY this girl oooooooh...😉 I'm DATING her but she's making me feel SINGLE. So in summary I'm SINGLE-handedly in a Relationship.

THOSE YOU LOVE:

My mum and myself. I still don’t know why my mom fell for my dad and married him though. I guess it was probably a case of unwanted pregnancy cause my elder bro looks like someone that wasn’t planned for😆

THOSE YOU DISLIKE:

My neighbors’ ugly wife (mama Tunde). She came up with the insult of my head looking like the planet Neptune. Hence, my parent named me Neptune. She seems to be my personal devil, in fact anytime I pray about the devil all I see is her face👿. 

THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON YOU KNOW:

 HILBERT BERKELY (my younger brother  ) although he doesn’t know about this platform yet... but it’s only a matter of time before he Finds out and hits the comment section.....let me not say much... but trust me, He's really a pain in the ass. Watch out for him 

THOSE YOU WOULD LOVE TO GIVE A DIRTY SLAP IN REAL LIFE: 

MAYOWA LAKATOS (you will get to know why as you follow my tale)

YOUR BEST FRIEND:  

Most of my friends act like 5th graders...They always come up with crazy ideas whenever i give them the chance to decide for Me... Imagine Hakeem (my childhood friend) was seriously advising me to Date our school cook’s daughter ... you need to see this cook’s daughter’s teeth... more like an afro comb😞 "God forbid!... So I agree with no one but myself when it comes to decision making😎

WHO DO YOU CONSIDER SEXY (OPPOSITE SEX):

 Girls Who love mathematics and most importantly Physics💕

WHO DO YOU CONSIDER UGLY (OPPOSITE SEX):

Those who don’t have SELF control especially in public places.... 😠 I used to Date one Pretty Lady named Precious way back in the past, she was my first girlfriend.... 😊 One faithful day the skirt she was putting on got stuck to our class door... she tried all she could to let herself free without damaging the skirt all to no avail. So she called on me to help her get the skirt off the door.... (Actually it was a thread from the skirt that got stuck in the door's hinge... and the funny thing was that it was her 'BUM' area that got stuck) there was no scissors around so I decided to use my teeth to undo the tie.....💪

I gently bent low, directed my face close to her back side, and then I opened my clean fresh mouth and started using my teeth to cut out the thread..... Next thing I heard was a THUNDEROUS SOUND......

Initially I thought the electricity sparked 💥 ... but then i discovered my acclaimed girlfriend Just released a Thunderous FART.... 🙆 and worst of it all... It was directly on my Face.... 😷😢😢😭 what manner of lack of self control is that? She still doesn’t know the reason for our break up because I'm still composing the breakup letter. 

YOUR OLDER CRUSH:

I have a crush on……..can I trust you diary😐? I have a crush on veronica, our family nurse.

FAVOURITE ARTIST:

 Definitely not Timaya, he made me repeat a year in the teenage church.

BEST FOOD:

Rice, everyone likes rice. (it’s the food found in most parties if not all. I think every Nigerian favorite food is rice too. But Nigerians like forming, so when asked their favorite food, they be like; strawberry cheesecake pineapple pudding)

WORST FOOD:

It must be either banga soup or oranges because they made me poop on my body when I was being injected for treatment by veronica sometime ago😩

MOST HONORED MOMENT:

When I came top of the class in pre-common entrance quantitative test. I was given the prize of #50. I was so honored.

Oh, I also won a ribena poetry competition and I was awarded two notebooks and a pen (my writing skills have been acknowledged by a world class brand😏)

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT:

Moment??? LOL, welcome to the tale of my life.

EPISODE ONE

So, Dear dairy……GOSH!!!😖 I didn’t just use the word dear…. I am a man and I must express my masculinity💪 to the best of my ability during the course of this tale.

Okay well, I'm a young lad who ideally is not supposed to be doing this. But fortunately and unfortunately I happen to be here. So enjoy my tale.

Ps: this is actually me expressing myself and telling my story ... But don't expect something like "dear diary this, dear diary that. Gosh that's for emotional ladies😌. I'm a man and I have to act like a man and before I forget; kindly ignore all my errors....  I'm only a kid😊

And on my cover page, the cover designer kind of made the ''DEAR DIARY" mistake so I just had to use my pen to cancel the "DEAR" out of the picture completely😏. So now you're welcome to the first of its kind. ●● DIARY OF AN AJEBUTTER KID●● by Neptune Berkeley

My name is Neptune and NO I wasn't born in Neptune😠.  I was born in the United States but I somehow found my way back to Nigeria. Well, maybe I wasn't really born in the USA but at least that's what I was told by my parent. Well, by my old date of birth, I should be 16years by December but by my recent date of birth, I will be 16 in few weeks time😉. 

The reason for the confusion is that my parents lie a lot. I don't mean to wash my parent’s linen in public but it's the truth. They lie a lot😕. 

My dad told me I was born on a Christmas day. And I don’t think I am crazy for believing that, after all it came from my dad. I felt like Jesus in a way😊. It gave me a sense of pride. I grew up believing I was Jesus' birthday mate not until some years ago when I turned 11, I was ransacking the house looking for some bullets to put in grandpa’s gun. I did see some bullets for the gun but I also saw something else. I was in dad's room searching his cupboard for grandpa’s bullets when I came across one Hospital card with my name written on it, I began to wonder where that stuff came from, definitely not from Veronica's clinic I said to myself ( veronica was our family nurse. She was pretty and I had a crush on her well that's story for another day😜)

I was curious about the content of the Hospital card, so I decided to check in it. Lo and behold what I saw was the most shocking news of my life. 

"This is to certify that Neptune Berkeley was born in the aforementioned hospital on the 10th of March 2000 in Lagos state Nigeria...." 

I couldn't believe my eyes😲 after reading the scariest news of my life, so I wasn't born on Christmas day! And I am also not an American by birth… I screamed!😱 I have always seen myself as the second Jesus Christ.  As a matter of fact, I kind of had the conviction that I was the second-coming-of-Jesus-Christ and I came to bring the world to an end😞. 

Well, I braced up, I can handle this I said to myself, then I quickly ran to the house computer and I Googled my newly found date of birth. Hoping to find something interesting. Maybe my new birthday mate could be Barrack Obama or Bill Gates or even Muhammadu Buhari😨. Immediately i tapped the enter key behold what I saw was

”10th March 1950 was the day Osama bin laden was born in Saudi Arabia. Osama bin Laden was the world deadliest terrorist until... blablabla..........”

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! I exclaimed😮😱! So Osama bin laden is actually my birthday mate and not Jesus Christ. That day was the day i believed that in this world nothing lasts forever, nothing at all. Not even your date of birth😔.

Towards evening I sat by the door side waiting for my dad to arrive home from work. I was already armed with grandpa's double barrel😠. Thank god I had found the bullets and inserted them already😡.

About my grand dad, he is the oldest man on this planet, he is so old I think he pees dust (no one should here about this please😇). Back to the matter, immediately I heard my dad honk his car, I walked like a boss outside and pointed the gun to his head and alarmed this question into his skull ......when was I born?? 

My dad knew I wasn't joking this time so he gave me a direct answer "you were born the same day with Osama bin laden"

I was like WTF? Did I ask for what I have in common with Osama bin laden or for my birth date😡?? Gosh. I didn't realize when I pulled the trigger... But unfortunately... grandpa's double barrel was only a toy gun and the bullets I had found were some old bitter kola grandpa probably forgot to chew😕😖. (I wonder what grandpa had a toy gun for. It was probably a gift he received when he was my age.)

Okay back to business. Dad now told me that he was sorry he lied about my date of birth that he never wanted his son to have the same date of birth with a terrorist and all

Well, I never believed him; because mom later told me that the reason dad shifted my date of birth to Christmas day was because he never wanted spending extra cash for birthday anniversary celebration😬. Now that made a lot of sense cause my elder brother, Brian and my younger brother, Hilbert were also born on Christmas day. Obviously they were scammed by dad too. It's just a matter of time before they equally burst dad's lies. But I doubt they'll ever find out because they're not as smart and inquisitive as I am😉. Apparently, Dad's plan was to merge our birthday with Christmas celebration......... what a stingy dad I have.

To be continued……